this isn't very hollywood

important poll. for research, you understand.

2006-01-16T22:13:30Z

EDIT: If, for whatever reason, you are not of the opinion that Jack Bauer and David Palmer are secretly in love, I would be interested in knowing why you feel that way. Later I will post all about their (totally obvious) love affair, as I'm pretty sure it happened. Seriously, the more I watch this show, the more obvious it becomes. I love them so much and I'm totally right.

movie meme, stolen from queen_mecha and duckytears

2006-01-09T06:18:25Z

Here I list twenty movie quotes. Guess which movie each quote is from. Guess correctly, get... accolades.

1. We're all whores, darlin'.
2. I'm erect, why aren't you erect?
3. My name's not Hope. It's Penny.
4. I'm doing some of the finest cocaine in the world, darlin'. Want some?
5. You burn when you dance.
6. My right hand's so tired, I can barely thread a needle.
7. Can I suck your tits?
8. Your friend's got nice nails.
9. You ate 'em, didn't you?
10. She's no butterfly.
11. I liked it when you came. I liked your eyes.
12. You want it, you pay for it.
13. What can I say, I'm a student of t-shirts!
14. Fucker, fuck off!
15. You fucked that guy from the pizza place.
16. Why can't we see the monkeys?
17. You do like brown rice and vegetables, don't you?
18. Marty, the ice.
19. We won't pay those kinds of salaries!
20. You pushed her, didn't you?

And... go!

My St. Stephen's Day

2005-12-27T03:03:16Z

Flew to New York City at the crack of dawn this morning (crack of dawn is relative). Arrived slightly post crack of dawn (10 a.m.). Took subway to 145th Street. Walked to 178th Street. Was leered at by at least eleven sketchy Dominicans (yay Dominican Harlem!), but I wasn't really counting. Am fairly certain that the same dude who followed me around Cabrini Boulevard two years ago attempted to do so again. Arrived at the GWB pathway to find it locked. Considered alternate means of crossing bridge, but decided that not having NJ Slurpee was more important than breaking tradition--after all, the point is in the journey. Downtrodden, I walked back toward 134th street. On the way, stopped to write a short missive to nzraya and psydeshow. Nice lady smoking a cigarette in the foyer let me into the apartment building and I slipped the note underneath the door. She was gone when I made my way back outside. Went to Fairway. Got Crunchies and other Cadbury treats. Went back to airport. People-watched for several hours. Flight was delayed. Was appalled by humanity. Flew home. Got a Slurpee from the 7-Eleven down the street from MGH. Most expensive Slurpee ever, as it turns out.

Am now visiting Jenna at work. Also, exhausted. I've been up since two-thirty this morning. This St. Stephen's Day has pretty much been a complete and utter failure and I just discovered that Jen C. has had my pager signed out "In Surgery" since yesterday weekend. That's awesome.

But anyway, there's no nead to say "I told you so," because I get it.

YOU TOLD ME SO.
Fuck you, New York City.

(I still <3 you, nzraya)

P.S. I nearly bitch-slapped two New Yorkers for gloating about Johnny Damon, but it had nothing to do with me, so I didn't. I can't help but think it would have made me feel a lot better, though.

Voice Post:

2005-10-27T11:09:28Z

principle of least action

2005-10-05T20:27:26Z

In case you hadn't noticed, the principle of least action in regard to the Red Sox has become absolute denial. What do you mean, they lost last night? What game were you watching? What scores are you reading? Why are you listening to Billy?

Tonight is more of the uphill battle to keep Veronica Mars on the air - I'm not sure if I'll be watching this. It's not that I don't want to - okay, maybe it's a little that I don't want to - but it's more that I have to tape Lost for my hospitalised roommate and I'm not sure whether I'll be able to watch one and tape the other. We'll see how that goes.

Plus there's baseball tonight. So many things to watch tonight, so few televisions to watch them on!

I'm in a very odd mood today. Not a bad mood, but definitely nothing resembling a good mood. This not bode well for tomorrow, but we'll worry about that tomorrow - right now, I can't stop yawning.

GO RED SOX.

DENIAL!

2005-10-05T00:37:01Z

GO RED SOX!!!!!!!!!!!

That was the best game ever. I KNEW THEY COULD DO IT!

The Donkey by G.K. Chesterton

2005-08-13T01:21:42Z

Phone Post:

2005-07-23T03:38:01Z

please note how not french this subject line is

2005-07-12T01:50:04Z

Today was really... complicated. But I'll ignore the complicated stuff and just talk about the exciting parts. Meaning 7-Eleven.

I arrived at Joe's house fashionably early, surprised at my ability to navigate the green line successfully to his front (er, side) door. He, forgetting that I am just about always early, had not yet showered. I plopped myself down on his couch and began flipping through my Boston Globe. I read the news for approximately two minutes before spotting the August edition of Playboy on his side table. About half an hour later, we depart for Starbucks (pre-Slurpee caffeination) and then head toward Newport, TFNC: Paul Revere Was White mix blasting.

After driving for an hour without spotting anybody even remotely worth 'You're Hot' signing, we arrive in Newport. We completely miss 11:11. First things first, we head to the Creamery for some pre-Slurpee eating. We share a chicken basket, and both get grilled cheese and seasoned fries. Food is delicious. Bill comes to a cool $16.80.

Then it was time for the 7-Eleven runs. Those who have been on a Slurpee run with me know my process:

Take flat lid from soda machine.
Pour a little bit of one Slurpee flavour into the lid. Taste.
Hand to companion to taste.
Dump out.
Repeat with next flavour.

Now, the Slurpees.

1) Traffic Circle (I'm not sure exactly where this traffic circle is, but Joe told me to call it that)

Flavours: Darth Dew (Poor consistency)
Cherry Lemonade (Mixed with something non-cherry lemonade. Also, poor consistency)
Blue Raspberry (Poor Consistency)
Sour Watermelon (Poor consistency, and also incredibly gross)
Blackberry (Poor consistency, bad aftertaste)
Coke (Lacking consistency, but seriously best option)

Did the store recognize 7-11 with free 7.11 oz Slurpees? No
Did the clerk recognize 7-11? No.

2) "The Good 7-Eleven" (This 7-Eleven is generally our favourite in Newport)
Flavours: Coke (Poor consistency)
Blackberry (No flavour)
Diet Pepsi (Not frozen)
Blue Raspberry (Not frozen)
Wild Cherry (Do Not Use light was on)
The sixth flavour was an out of order mystery.

At this, we were shocked and promptly left sans Slurpee. No Slurpee is better than a second Coke with poor consistency. I stormed out of that 7-Eleven so angrily that Joe ran ahead of me and took a photograph of me storming out of 7-Eleven.

Ashley: I can't believe the good 7-Eleven sucked.
Joe: I know, seriously.

3) "The 7-Eleven Into Which We Followed a Hot Guy"

Flavours: Blue Raspberry (Decent)
Mandarin Tangerine (Poor consistency)
Blue Blunder Berry (Not frozen)
Crystal Light Peach Mango (The dreaded Crystal Light aftertaste)
Coke (Poor consistency, tasted funny)
Wild Cherry (Not frozen)

Did the store recognize 7-11 with free 7.11 oz Slurpees? No
Did the clerk recognize 7-11? Yes, but she lacked enthusiasm. Though she did comment on Joe's 7-Eleven shirt, claiming that it was better than hers.

4) "Crappy Parking Lot 7-Eleven"

Flavours: Banana (?)
Hawaiian Punch Green Berry (flavourless)
Orange Creme a.k.a. Convergence (yuck)
Mountain Dew (Seriously poor consistency, purchased out of desperation)
Coke (?)
Gully Washer (Not frozen)

Did the store recognize 7-11 with free 7.11 oz Slurpees? Yes
Did the clerk recognize 7-11? Yes. Oh, boy did he ever. Let's talk about the clerk.

When Joe and I went into this notoriously sucky 7-Eleven, we were optimistic. Since the good 7-Eleven had been awful, we figured that the bad 7-Eleven might be awesome. We could not have been more wrong.

I'd been carrying a notebook around all day, so to best keep track of the various 7-Elevens and their flavour offerings and I had it open, under my arm. Anyway, this guy preceded us in and went straight for the Slurpee machine and he stood there for a while. So I went to the back of the store to finish changing my voicemail message. When I finished, the guy was leaving, and Joe and I were headed back to the Slurpee machine and the manager was standing there.

The manager was a tall, fat, bald man. He had a vertical groove in his forehead about an inch long, and his bottom teeth were mostly rotted. His nametag said "Steve." What follows is 99.999% true.

Steve: Can I help you?
Ashley: Um, no. We're just getting Slurpees.
Steve: Are you with 7-Eleven?
Joe: Nope.
Steve: Then why are you wearing a shirt?
Ashley: He bought it off e-Bay.
Steve: Ever think about owning a store?
Joe: It's a dream.
Steve: You could get your own, you know.
Ashley: We're twenty years old. And broke.
Steve: How about a Slurpee machine? You want one of those?
Ashley: More than anything in the world.
Joe: Seriously.
Steve: Yeah. You could buy one.
Ashley: Could you get us one for less than twenty dollars? Because that's what we're working with.
Steve: Could you make my hair grow back for less than twenty dollars?
Ashley: Um... I could coax it?

At this point Steve starts giving us all sorts of information on the Slurpee machine. Things we've always wanted to know but have never been able to find out; how Slurpees are made, why they mix flavours, and he talks about why he hates children playing with the Slurpee machine and how he's had to replace the tiles underneath twice in eight years. Then he starts asking us personal questions, like where we grew up and what our life's dreams are. Seriously.

Then he points out the flat lid in Joe's hand.

Steve: That's the wrong kind of lid.
Joe: I know, it's for testing...
Steve: Testing?
Joe: You know. You put a little on the lid and taste it.
Steve: You know how I test it?

He grabs a small cup and fills it with the Hawaiian Punch Green Berry Slurpee and takes a sip before thrusting it into my face. Evidently I'm supposed to take a sip from it now.

Ashley: Um... no thanks.

Joe takes the Slurpee out of his hand and tries it, then passes it over to me. I sip from where Joe sipped.

Ashley: I don't think I'm a fan.
Joe: Me either. It's not very flavourful.
Steve: I like the colour.

We go through this one more time, with the Orange Creme. He calls this "convergence," meaning that it's mixed with some other flavour. In this instance, it happens to be grape. It tastes really not very good.

Then he lifts up the lid to show us the 'inner workings' of the Slurpee machine. Basically it's a button panel that allows you to freeze and defrost Slurpees at will. He doesn't get an opportunity to explain, because I interrupt.

Ashley: Yeah, we know about that. We've gotten in trouble for touching that before.
Steve: You'd be in damn trouble if I caught you under there. You know what I'd do? I'd send yo across the street.
Joe: Okay...?
Steve: Big brick building?
Joe: And?
Ashley: Police?
Steve: Right.
Ashley: I'm not sure they'd do anything.
Steve: Well, then. You ever fly? I'd throw you across the store. Then I'd drop kick you, and I'd be well within my legal rights.
Ashley: Actually, I don't think you would. Isn't that excessive force? Even police can't do that.
Steve: I can, and I would. I was in Vietnam for eight and a half months. The Veteran's Board has a file eight inches thick detailing my history of mental instability. I could do what I wanted and I'd get away with it. I could even kill you.
Joe: Oh. Well then.

A little girl approaches the Slurpee machine. After mocking her dirty face, Steve gets a Slurpee for her. Joe and I seize the opportunity to escape, grabbing two small Mountain Dew Slurpees and booking it to the cash register. Worst $2.12 I have ever spent.

Joe and I exit the Sev at breakneck speed.

Joe (running ahead): Run, run!
Ashley: I'm running!

5) "The 7-Eleven Into Which a Hot Guy Followed Us"
Flavours: Darth Dew (Not frozen)
Mandarin Tangerine (Poor consistency)
Blackberry (Tasted funny)
Blue Raspberry (PERFECT)
Coke (Didn't taste)
Crystal Light Strawberry Banana (Didn't taste)

Did the store recognize 7-11 with free 7.11 oz Slurpees? Yes
Did the clerk recognize 7-11? No

6) Home Base (Walpole, MA)
Flavours: Grape Purple Haze (Not tasted)
Blackberry (Not tasted)
Pina Colada (Not tasted)
Coke (Not tasted)
Spongebob Squarepants Pineapple (Mixed with... cherry?)
Hawaiian Punch (PERFECT)

Did the store recognize 7-11 with free 7.11 oz Slurpees? Yes
Did the clerk recognize 7-11? No, but we got a Dreammm Donut.

Once we'd procured our final Slurpees of the day, we proceeded over to the smaller 7-Eleven sign in the back entrance of the parking lot. We piled our ten Slurpees onto the wall and took a photo of each of us with the frozen beverages. That accomplished, I loaded up six of the Slurpees in my arms and walked them around to the front of 7-Eleven to throw them away, not spilling a drop.

While I hate to admit the vast inferiority of this to previous 7-11s (most notably last year), those two perfect Slurpees rocked all. Plus? It's Slurpee's 40th birthday. To think, I have been alive for half of those glorious years.

But I am never going back to that fourth 7-Eleven again. EVER.

cryptic? awesome!

2005-04-26T21:09:00Z

I'm going to be incredibly cryptic, but whatever. I am incredibly excited and nervous about something that has nothing to do with me at all. Seriously, nothing. And I've been told not to get my hopes up about it, and since it has nothing to do with me? I'll oblige, although secretly? I am a liar. Though regardless of how things work out, I am going to be proud and supportive. Because I am hot, cool, awesome, etc.

Okay, that show kicked so much ass that to say that "that show kicked ass" is to do injustice to exactly how much ass that show kicked. Oh, 24. My love for you is once again equivalent to my love for Veronica Mars; Jack Bauer, you kick ass. Chloe O'Brien, you kick ass. Edgar... you kick slightly less ass, but the ass that you kick is still ridiculously ass-kicking. Tony and Michelle? You kick ass, especially since you were missing for the first twenty minutes and I suspect that you were having hot, sweaty, makeup sex in some corner somewhere. David Palmer? You kick ass, and your voice makes me melty. Thank you for coming back to kick ass. Mike Novick, you kick lots of ass.

Audrey, you do not kick ass. I would like to make that abundantly clear right now. But the fact that you kick so little ass just makes the supreme ass-kickingness of everybody else stand out more. President Logan, you do not kick ass either, but that's okay because you were never supposed to kick ass. Besides, I can only love one character named Logan at a time and that is reserved for Logan Echolls.

I don't think I mentioned that you, Curtis, kick ass. And so do you, girlfriend-of-terrorist. If I rewind and watch again, girlfriend-of-terrorist, I will probably find that you have a name. But I am lazy, so girlfriend-of-terrorist? If you are reading this, I just want you to know that you KICK ASS like a giant, ass-kicking fiend.

Did I mention that Jack Bauer and Chloe O'Brien kick ass? Because the ass they kick is so fucking asskicking that I could not begin to kick as much as they are kicking if I tried.

I can't believe how very much I sucked this week. Kiefer Sutherland, I'm sorry. Not for the part where I said that you could kick Jason Dohring's ass, because I hold fast to that. But about the parts where I said that 24 was even slightly boring, dude -- I was so very wrong. I could not have been more wrong and I could not have kicked less ass.

Billy, on the other hand? Best ever. First for making me watch the show and then for keeping me hyped for this season. I was in danger of slipping for a little while, but you didn't let me! Are you a man or a television god? Only you know for sure.

In any case, 24 last night? Most ass-kicking episode ever and Chloe and Jack? KICKED ASS, though Chloe kicked far more ass than Jack. Sorry, Kiefer.

So yes. I love my twenty-four hour show. And I love my teenaged girl detective show. So much for that.

Have I mentioned lately that I love Mellie? A lot? Because I do. A lot. <33333333333333333 Mellie, my new Paul-lovin', Mini-Mod, lovergirl. You? Are awesome. Wicked awesome. A lot. As soon as tomorrow is over I'll give you the attention you deserve. <3 <3 <3

The. End. (Or is it?)

P.S. Feel better, joeymichaels

P.P.S. OMGVERONICAMARSPAULPARTYTONITELIKEWHOA

OMG

2005-03-06T05:25:30Z

I met John Kerry tonight!! Joe and I were walking around, trying to decide where to eat, when I took him on a detour to see John Kerry’s house. As we’re walking down the street, a silver Audi pulls past us. I thought it was John Kerry driving, so I paused and watched as it pulled up in front of his house. Then he got out. And I gathered up my courage and walked over and talked to him for a couple of minutes and he high-fived me when I told him about the JK tattoo.

It wasn’t after we’d parted ways that I remembered I was wearing pink and yellow fishnet tights and teal eyeshadow and that my hair was totally crimped. I made a kickass impression, but at least he won’t be forgetting me any time soon, right?

Then it was on to dinner (awesome) and the Motley Crue concert (also awesome). The strippers were totally hot and talented and the band rocked, as Motley Crue is prone to do. They opened with Shout at the Devil, went through most of their early stuff, and played a gorgeous Don’t Go Away Mad (Just Go Away). Their Glitter/Without You set was wicked lame, and followed by Home Sweet Home, a song I could really live without.

However, it’s wicked popular among Crue fans (who aren’t me) and before they even started it the crowd started singing the opening lines all in unison. The band didn’t sing at all, it was like thousands of people were singing a capella -- they were completely in tune and it was wicked surreal.

Tommy was kickass on drums -- now I’m a Rockett girl from way back, but Tommy could wipe the floor with Rikki. His drum solo? Amazing. There were two drum sets suspended on opposite sides of the stage and he lept between them randomly. Much better than Rikki randomly shouting “FUCK IT!” during pauses as he wails on his drums. Although that’s a valid choice as well and seriously? Why bother even trying to compete with Tommy?

After the drum solo, they finished with Same Old Situation, Doctor Feelgood, Sick Love Song and If I Die Tomorrow and encored with Helter Skelter and Anarchy in the UK and then I came home.

It was a tremendous showing by my second favorite band and I had a great time. Personally I prefer Poison concerts, but you can’t really compare the two. They’re both glam rock, but on completely opposite ends of the spectrum. Mmm, Poison.

Meanwhile, I’ve come to grips with the fact that I fucking love the misogynism of glam rock. Titty Cam? Strippers? Women are so objectified and I think it’s great. I am the worst. Feminist. Ever.

BUT OMG I MET JOHN KERRY TODAY!!!!!