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please note how not french this subject line is [Jul. 11th, 2005|09:45 pm]
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Today was really... complicated. But I'll ignore the complicated stuff and just talk about the exciting parts. Meaning 7-Eleven.

I arrived at Joe's house fashionably early, surprised at my ability to navigate the green line successfully to his front (er, side) door. He, forgetting that I am just about always early, had not yet showered. I plopped myself down on his couch and began flipping through my Boston Globe. I read the news for approximately two minutes before spotting the August edition of Playboy on his side table. About half an hour later, we depart for Starbucks (pre-Slurpee caffeination) and then head toward Newport, TFNC: Paul Revere Was White mix blasting.

After driving for an hour without spotting anybody even remotely worth 'You're Hot' signing, we arrive in Newport. We completely miss 11:11. First things first, we head to the Creamery for some pre-Slurpee eating. We share a chicken basket, and both get grilled cheese and seasoned fries. Food is delicious. Bill comes to a cool $16.80.

Then it was time for the 7-Eleven runs. Those who have been on a Slurpee run with me know my process:

Take flat lid from soda machine.
Pour a little bit of one Slurpee flavour into the lid. Taste.
Hand to companion to taste.
Dump out.
Repeat with next flavour.

Now, the Slurpees.

1) Traffic Circle (I'm not sure exactly where this traffic circle is, but Joe told me to call it that)

Flavours: Darth Dew (Poor consistency)
Cherry Lemonade (Mixed with something non-cherry lemonade. Also, poor consistency)
Blue Raspberry (Poor Consistency)
Sour Watermelon (Poor consistency, and also incredibly gross)
Blackberry (Poor consistency, bad aftertaste)
Coke (Lacking consistency, but seriously best option)

Did the store recognize 7-11 with free 7.11 oz Slurpees? No
Did the clerk recognize 7-11? No.

2) "The Good 7-Eleven" (This 7-Eleven is generally our favourite in Newport)
Flavours: Coke (Poor consistency)
Blackberry (No flavour)
Diet Pepsi (Not frozen)
Blue Raspberry (Not frozen)
Wild Cherry (Do Not Use light was on)
The sixth flavour was an out of order mystery.

At this, we were shocked and promptly left sans Slurpee. No Slurpee is better than a second Coke with poor consistency. I stormed out of that 7-Eleven so angrily that Joe ran ahead of me and took a photograph of me storming out of 7-Eleven.

Ashley: I can't believe the good 7-Eleven sucked.
Joe: I know, seriously.

3) "The 7-Eleven Into Which We Followed a Hot Guy"

Flavours: Blue Raspberry (Decent)
Mandarin Tangerine (Poor consistency)
Blue Blunder Berry (Not frozen)
Crystal Light Peach Mango (The dreaded Crystal Light aftertaste)
Coke (Poor consistency, tasted funny)
Wild Cherry (Not frozen)

Did the store recognize 7-11 with free 7.11 oz Slurpees? No
Did the clerk recognize 7-11? Yes, but she lacked enthusiasm. Though she did comment on Joe's 7-Eleven shirt, claiming that it was better than hers.

4) "Crappy Parking Lot 7-Eleven"

Flavours: Banana (?)
Hawaiian Punch Green Berry (flavourless)
Orange Creme a.k.a. Convergence (yuck)
Mountain Dew (Seriously poor consistency, purchased out of desperation)
Coke (?)
Gully Washer (Not frozen)

Did the store recognize 7-11 with free 7.11 oz Slurpees? Yes
Did the clerk recognize 7-11? Yes. Oh, boy did he ever. Let's talk about the clerk.

When Joe and I went into this notoriously sucky 7-Eleven, we were optimistic. Since the good 7-Eleven had been awful, we figured that the bad 7-Eleven might be awesome. We could not have been more wrong.

I'd been carrying a notebook around all day, so to best keep track of the various 7-Elevens and their flavour offerings and I had it open, under my arm. Anyway, this guy preceded us in and went straight for the Slurpee machine and he stood there for a while. So I went to the back of the store to finish changing my voicemail message. When I finished, the guy was leaving, and Joe and I were headed back to the Slurpee machine and the manager was standing there.

The manager was a tall, fat, bald man. He had a vertical groove in his forehead about an inch long, and his bottom teeth were mostly rotted. His nametag said "Steve." What follows is 99.999% true.

Steve: Can I help you?
Ashley: Um, no. We're just getting Slurpees.
Steve: Are you with 7-Eleven?
Joe: Nope.
Steve: Then why are you wearing a shirt?
Ashley: He bought it off e-Bay.
Steve: Ever think about owning a store?
Joe: It's a dream.
Steve: You could get your own, you know.
Ashley: We're twenty years old. And broke.
Steve: How about a Slurpee machine? You want one of those?
Ashley: More than anything in the world.
Joe: Seriously.
Steve: Yeah. You could buy one.
Ashley: Could you get us one for less than twenty dollars? Because that's what we're working with.
Steve: Could you make my hair grow back for less than twenty dollars?
Ashley: Um... I could coax it?

At this point Steve starts giving us all sorts of information on the Slurpee machine. Things we've always wanted to know but have never been able to find out; how Slurpees are made, why they mix flavours, and he talks about why he hates children playing with the Slurpee machine and how he's had to replace the tiles underneath twice in eight years. Then he starts asking us personal questions, like where we grew up and what our life's dreams are. Seriously.

Then he points out the flat lid in Joe's hand.

Steve: That's the wrong kind of lid.
Joe: I know, it's for testing...
Steve: Testing?
Joe: You know. You put a little on the lid and taste it.
Steve: You know how I test it?

He grabs a small cup and fills it with the Hawaiian Punch Green Berry Slurpee and takes a sip before thrusting it into my face. Evidently I'm supposed to take a sip from it now.

Ashley: Um... no thanks.

Joe takes the Slurpee out of his hand and tries it, then passes it over to me. I sip from where Joe sipped.

Ashley: I don't think I'm a fan.
Joe: Me either. It's not very flavourful.
Steve: I like the colour.

We go through this one more time, with the Orange Creme. He calls this "convergence," meaning that it's mixed with some other flavour. In this instance, it happens to be grape. It tastes really not very good.

Then he lifts up the lid to show us the 'inner workings' of the Slurpee machine. Basically it's a button panel that allows you to freeze and defrost Slurpees at will. He doesn't get an opportunity to explain, because I interrupt.

Ashley: Yeah, we know about that. We've gotten in trouble for touching that before.
Steve: You'd be in damn trouble if I caught you under there. You know what I'd do? I'd send yo across the street.
Joe: Okay...?
Steve: Big brick building?
Joe: And?
Ashley: Police?
Steve: Right.
Ashley: I'm not sure they'd do anything.
Steve: Well, then. You ever fly? I'd throw you across the store. Then I'd drop kick you, and I'd be well within my legal rights.
Ashley: Actually, I don't think you would. Isn't that excessive force? Even police can't do that.
Steve: I can, and I would. I was in Vietnam for eight and a half months. The Veteran's Board has a file eight inches thick detailing my history of mental instability. I could do what I wanted and I'd get away with it. I could even kill you.
Joe: Oh. Well then.

A little girl approaches the Slurpee machine. After mocking her dirty face, Steve gets a Slurpee for her. Joe and I seize the opportunity to escape, grabbing two small Mountain Dew Slurpees and booking it to the cash register. Worst $2.12 I have ever spent.

Joe and I exit the Sev at breakneck speed.

Joe (running ahead): Run, run!
Ashley: I'm running!

5) "The 7-Eleven Into Which a Hot Guy Followed Us"
Flavours: Darth Dew (Not frozen)
Mandarin Tangerine (Poor consistency)
Blackberry (Tasted funny)
Blue Raspberry (PERFECT)
Coke (Didn't taste)
Crystal Light Strawberry Banana (Didn't taste)

Did the store recognize 7-11 with free 7.11 oz Slurpees? Yes
Did the clerk recognize 7-11? No

6) Home Base (Walpole, MA)
Flavours: Grape Purple Haze (Not tasted)
Blackberry (Not tasted)
Pina Colada (Not tasted)
Coke (Not tasted)
Spongebob Squarepants Pineapple (Mixed with... cherry?)
Hawaiian Punch (PERFECT)

Did the store recognize 7-11 with free 7.11 oz Slurpees? Yes
Did the clerk recognize 7-11? No, but we got a Dreammm Donut.

Once we'd procured our final Slurpees of the day, we proceeded over to the smaller 7-Eleven sign in the back entrance of the parking lot. We piled our ten Slurpees onto the wall and took a photo of each of us with the frozen beverages. That accomplished, I loaded up six of the Slurpees in my arms and walked them around to the front of 7-Eleven to throw them away, not spilling a drop.

While I hate to admit the vast inferiority of this to previous 7-11s (most notably last year), those two perfect Slurpees rocked all. Plus? It's Slurpee's 40th birthday. To think, I have been alive for half of those glorious years.

But I am never going back to that fourth 7-Eleven again. EVER.
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